poets van ons vaderland unite

’n "rap song" geskryf in Kaaps na aanleiding van die storie van die twee polisievroue met die wonderlike name van Princess Benjamin en Sweetness Pikini wat die dagga uit hulle eie polisiestasie gesteel het in Macassar (Die Burger, 13 Januarie 2011, bladsy 9)

hierie landgenote isse klein scarlattigrappie vir princess benjamin
en sweetness pikini altwie offisiere in macassar se poeliesietasie
kom sweetness pikini wattie inpas inne bikini soe ten o’clock
by princess benjamin wyl sy canderel roer in haar rooibos

dis nou agterie klagtetoonbank assie muise ophou piep
ennie walrus ingeslaap het
wattie grass ennie crystals ennie ecstacy
die coke ennie pitte ennie acid
die lollies ennie tubes ennie enema direct
moet guard wat afgevat is vannie witpype
ennie rook-ore ennie tikgatte ennie lanies
mettie raybans innie omtes
en soes hultwie ok maar peanuts merrit verdien

hierie isse klein scarlattiwietelattie virrie princess mettie stokkie
ennie swietiepaai twiere in bevel mettie hectic schemes: check haar
uitie stasie se kantien uit kom sy swaaigat met haar koffie

tik pikini die roaring royalty op haar linker epaullettie mettie peitsie
left right left soes hulle tieliepels klieketietieng
innie macasserse terrible twieling koppies
ennie security mettie klokkie byrie ingang gan slaap het in sy hokkie

heita blue blood vannie station, wienk nikita pikitini
my coolste kortrokqueenie wattie baas is
ek wiet iets van hierie piepmuis macassarse poeliesiestasie
wat twie mighty meisies soes ons nie kan wiet
sonner ommie pieperellekoors te slaatie
’n hooimied dagga in goingsakke wat lê en kwagga
vir fokol in ons store room wat sê jy kom ons varrit
hierie kamtige evidence van ’n swart gat innie universe
ons is mossie magtagge ladies van hierie vloere
en fokkie wieke lank wag oppe kieriekopsalaris
ek wietie van jou nie kommissaris ma’ my tjieng is oppiedoppie
en ek soeke sony enne aaiPot enne perm
ek soeke lexus soesie ene van-aai merrim
van korrektiewe dienste wattie langer wou ry nie inne krokkie
en hierie tonne woollies quality dagga lê nagge
en dagge onner onse nieste vir miljoene
mettie hele township wattie sal droom om te splittie
as onsie bale wiet op hulle voorstoepe gan droppie

hierie isse klein scarlattijumpstart virrie poelieste
wattie wiet hoelat hul met hulle highnesses
en swishy swieties innie macassars in moet makie
nou varrit van my al wat mens kan maak isse musiekie
net ’n biekie met domenico scarlatti wattie winkel uit my tong yt tickle
en my answitch soes dominoes op trickle

gits ennie princess issie starrag oppie uptake-ie en sy sê:
fok nikini nou maak jy my tieties tight en pieng
sit sy haar tieliepel innie piering en rukkie klokkie yt sy bracket
en twiekie walrus se slietelbossie
yt sy belt en da' gat hulle soes thelma en louise
soes bonnie en clyde, ma met daai sjiek sashay
vannie swinging macassar chickies en hulle begin laai
daai dagga ytie evidence hold binne innie gat vannie meraai

hierie gattie vyf trips wiesie, more likely fortie, sê miss benjamin
virrie swiet poppie mettie brainwaves van macassar se poeliesiestasie
ons korte fokken lorrie enne paar cool copse vannie flatse
vir operation transport

dissie klein scarlattikotiljonsie dié virrie inhouse scandal van macassar
ennie understandable motives vannie verdagtes
want guilty kan hulle byna nie wiesie mettie example
vannie selebi’s ennie miesies van cwele wat mettie mules
smsies piep ennie hele effing country wat in sy moer in is nie

hierie isse klein scarlattisongkie bietjie sad ok hier om middernag
mettie screech owl wat skrou ennie ruik van brand uitie hiewels
dis tyd virre modulation innie minor key ma’ my ghrêmmer is exhausted
en pogorelich spelie bure wakker hoe lykit as ek jitsvinger invite
om hierie item te promote onnerie slogan
poets van ons vaderland unite
en hourie nasie ytie crooked ways
vannie law enforcers yt

© Marlene van Niekerk, 2011.
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poets of our fatherland unite

a rap song on the basis of the newspaper report about the two police women with the wonderful names of Princess Benjamin and Sweetness Pikini who stole bags of confiscated grass from their own police station in Macassar (Die Burger, 13 January 2011, page 9)

this my dearest countrymen is a jingle like scarlatti’s for princess benjamin
and sweetness pikini both of them police chicks at the station in macassar
enter around ten o’clock li’l sweetness pikini who does not fit in ‘er bikini
as princess benjamin stirs sweetener into her mug of herbal tea

this is now behind the counter for serious complaints
when the station mice have fallen quiet
and the walrus had dozed off
the one who is supposed to guard
the grass the crystals and the ecstacy
the coke the mushrooms and the crack
confiscated from the white pipes
and the hash heads and the mandrax mules
and the bling buddies with the rayban shades
who’s stamping ground this is
and who also just like them two
earn a pittance for their toils

this is a scarlatti jive for the princess with her little baton
and the sweetie pie second in command
the hatcher of the hectic schemes, check ’er
as she swishes from the canteen with her coffee

prods pikini the roaring royalty on her rank insignia
left right left as they clink their teaspoons
in the terrible twin cups of macassar
while the watchman at the service bell
is snoring in his cubicle

hi there blue blood of the station, winks nikita pikitini
my coolest miniskirted queenie
who is the boss girl of this precinct
i know something ’bout this ninconpoop policing dive
that two worthy women like us cannot survive
without coming out in shingles
a haystack grass is stacked in sacks and going
flat in our storeroom, what do you say lets nab it
this so called evidence of the black hole in the universe
and fuck the waiting for a pipsqueek paycheck
what about you sergeant, my bucks are sucked
and I dig a sony and an ipod and a perm
i want a lexus like the one that madam drives
who heads the prisons and who won’t be seen alive
in her rickshaw from toyota
and these tons of woolworths quality weed
lie here rotting day and night under our noses
no one will split if we drop it in the township
and make our million dollar dreams come true

this is a little jumpstart like scarlatti’s for the officers of justice
who do not know how they must chastise their highnesses
the swishy sweeties in macassar town
now take it from me one can only pick a littte music
just a wee bit with domenico scarlatti who clicks
my tongue from its spitting dicky and switches me
like dominoes on trickle

and christ this princess is like snappy on the uptake and she says
fuck pikini now you make my nipples tight
and ping she thwacks her teaspoon in her cup
and cracks the service bell from its bracket
and tweaks the bunch of keys from the big belt of the walrus
and they make a go for it like thelma and louise
like bonnie and clyde but with that chique sashay
of the swinging macassar chickies and they haul the sacks of grass
from the evidence hole and pile it in the hatchback van

this won’t be five trips only more likely forty says miss benjamin
to the dilly dolly with the brainwaves in the macassar copshop
we need a bloody lorry and a few lawless fella’s from the flats for operation transport

this is a scarlatti jig for the inhouse scandal of macassar
and the understandable motives of the suspects
’cause guilty they can’t be if one looks at the example of the selebi’s
and the missus of cwele the commissioner
who bleeps her mules on her mobile phone from capetown to colombia
while the whole bang shoot that is south africa goes down the bloody tubes again

this is a ditty like scarlatti’s a little blue at the twinkle hour
with the night jars screeching in the copse and the smell of burning rivers
it is time to modulate into a minor but my grammer is exhausted
and pogorelich wakes the neighbors what’s the chance
my rapping brother from the township may i invite you to promote
this number under the slogan: poets of our fatherland unite
and keep the nation from the crooked ways of the law enforcers

© Marlene van Niekerk, 2011. Self-translation.